A cool wind blows. My eyes are sunken and swollen all the time now. I have been struggling with a feeling that won't go away. I wake up and before long there it is, like a chill blown onto me by the cool breeze. It is hard to intellectualize my reality. Maybe I am doing good in life, but what does it matter if you don't feel like it? I can go to school, go to work, go see my girlfriend, but this feeling is drawn to me like a magnet seeking connection. I look like shit and that's before I started drinking so much alcohol, I wonder if my parents and co-workers can see the struggling and bloating in my face. I feel like shit is slipping through my fingers—like I am a spectator in my own life. What is a routine to you? Is it a cage or is it freedom? I feel like I need a month or two where I don't have as many responsibilities. I'm nearly done with my associates degree. I'm thinking of taking a break for a semester after I get my associate's degree and graduate from community college. I think I need to be sober for a bit and maybe throw myself at hobbies like photography, learning guitar, and maybe jiu-jitsu if I sign up for classes. I know some people will be dissapointed and think that I'm giving up on my education, but I'm not giving up on it. I just feel like I can't put my best into college right now. I feel sick with apathy.