The purpose of this website is changing a little bit. This website feels a little bit like writing a letter and putting it inside a glass bottle, then letting it float away in the ocean. I want to write freely about things that I'm thinking about, but I don't want to have those things connected to me. There are some people who are brave enough to share every little thought they have — good or bad — and stamp their name on it, but I'm not that type of person. I overthink about my digital footprint and I don't want someone in my personal life tracing my writings about my weed and alcohol abuse or insecurities back to me. That should stay here, where it can exist on its own. Unfortunately that means that I won't be sharing anything that could be used to identify me, such as locations, photos, or really specific information. It's unfortunate as I would like to share my photography here, but there needs to be seperation between my public life and my inner-most thoughts. The photography counts as my public life, or at least it will.
In other news, I am taking a t-break for a month at the very least. My weed use is constant. I still live with my parents, who hate weed, so whenever they are gone or I have an opportunity to use it, I do. Maybe I am just addicted to it, but I feel like having to hide my use of it makes it feel scarce — like a forbidden desire that I have to sneak in when I get the chance. Hopefully my relationship with it changes when I move out, but for now I am just trying to be responsible with my use of it, which means taking breaks when I feel I am getting lost in the sauce. I also recently had a bit of an alcohol binge. I try to keep my alcohol consumption down because I know how harmful it can be, moreso than weed. This week/last week though, I drank every day for like 5 days straight. The first four days were me drinking pretty heavily and the last day was just a little bit for my anniversary (3 years!!!), but I'm not happy about it regardless what the occasion was. It's definitely more in control than my weed usage, but that's the first time I've ever drank that many days in a row like that. When I drink, the next day is always a little rough as I feel the tempation to drink again. It comes almost in the form of a food craving. I know that drinking multiple days in a row is like taking a step down a slippery path, so I normally try to avoid it, but I guess this week was just hard or something.
Also in other news, the only other person I knew who used weed just as heavily as me just told me that they're now sober. They've given up weed and alcohol indefinitely. I'm proud of them, but it also kinda made me sad? They're the only other person I know who really indulges in weed the same way as I do, and it sucks that we're not gonna have that in common anymore. There's a kind of bond that forms between degenerates, or at least it did for me. Honestly I am happy for him, but it kinda makes me feel like a bum that can't kick the habit. Do I even want to? I don't know.