I think I've decided that I need to have some sort of creative outlet, even if it's writing shitty little paragraphs on my shitty little website. I need to do something so that I won't just feel like a void where youtube videos and video games go to die. Unfortunately, this means that my dreams of having a cool website with esoteric and wise writings will most likely not happen, but maybe this will be a lesson in trying to appear cool in a place meant for true self-expression. I don't feel depressed, but I feel like there is something wrong with me. There is an undercurrent of uneasiness running through me in almost everything that I do. I never used to struggle from anxiety, but as I've gotten older it has become more of an issue. Is it a symptom of getting older? You start feeling like there's less and less time to accomplish what you want? I judge myself for how I spend my time more than ever, but I still find myself doom scrolling until it's suddenly that time where "I should really be going to bed." Why is it that 4 years of high school felt like forever while 4 years of working a real job felt like it flew by? Is that even true or is it just an amalgamation of the good times remembered and bad memories forgotten?
I remember going to a party when I was 18; I wanted to experience a "traditional" party at least once before graduating high school. It was one of those types of parties where you have to pay to get in—at least, that was the case if you didn't know anyone there. I don't know what I expected. After paying the doorman, you made your way through a hallway into what was the main room of the apartment. If it weren't for the suffocating amount of people in there, and a tv tucked away in one of the corners of the room, the place would have looked like a traphouse. A shotgun that was later found in the kitchen of the apartment confirmed it was most likely a traphouse. All in all, it was a weird experience. I felt like one of the only sober people there and it was a crowd of people that I didn't really mesh well with in the first place. Honestly, it was a bad experience, but maybe an important one. All around me were people having fun, socializing, and drinking. Was there really that much of a difference between me and them? Was there something preventing me from doing the same as them and enjoying myself? At the time I thought so, but age has shown me that there wasn't. I let myself get too into my head and I say that knowing that I do the exact same thing today. This is one of the only memories I have from ages 18-22—years which I feel were stolen from me by COVID-19.
I'm now older and while I'm facing some of the same issues, my life does look a lot different now. I am no longer in high school: I have a car, a job, a girlfriend, and no reason to complain. I now have this website where I can bitch and vent, instead of bitching and venting on Instagram. I will try my best to keep this consistent.