There are periods in my life when I feel like I am living life on autopilot. Routine is something that serves me well, without it I am lazy and can't bother to do anything about anything. Dishes pile up, I push away responsibilites and hobbies that I know are good for me, I start eating like shit. It's not a good spiral to be in. I need routine as an anchor in my life, something I can latch on to and plan my day around. Since I started working full-time, I realize that my job has become this sort of anchor that I need. The last time I took a vacation from work—one where I was alone in the house and was free to smoke as much as I wanted—I didn't handle it all too well. I smoked often, stopped going to the gym, and in my opinion just wasted all that time. I can't really tell you a single thing I did during that period, which is troubling to me. I need my anchors to prevent that, but I am running into the opposite problem now.
I think in order to be less vague about my issues I have to talk about some of the things that are important to me, including the things that "I know are good for me". At the moment I am fat, and I have a lot of feelings about that, but not many positive ones. I don't really care to accept myself in this state because I know this is not where I want to be for long. Going to the gym makes me feel good about myself, it is one of the few things that do. When I go to the gym I feel that I am working on myself, that I'm investing in my health and taking care of my body. It is one of the few things that I can enjoy without any sort of guilt, along with making art. I've read that when you set goals (like going to the gym) and consistently give up on yourself (like not wanting to go and talking yourself out of going), you lose trust in yourself. I think this is true and I think the opposite is true as well. The months where I go to the gym 4x a week and manage my eating well feel like the best months of my life. I feel like a put together guy with healthy habits and routines.
I guess the issue is two-fold. One is that I am very sensitive to not meeting those goals and feel like shit, almost worthless, when I don't. It's such a vicersal feeling that I don't think is too healthy. This week for example I ate like shit and only went to the gym three times, which is below my 4x a week goal. I know it's not that much worse, it feels like a big failure in my head. The second issue is that even when I am consistently meeting the goals and feel good about myself, it can only go for song long before I start feeling like I'm on autopilot like I mentioned before. It's especially worse when my semester is in session, I go to work, try to do all my homework while I'm there, go to the gym, finish any remaining homework, go to sleep and get ready to do it again the next day. I know that all of those things are beneficial to me, and I just have to suck it up and get them done, but I feel like a drone sometimes lol. The only things that help me feel better in that state is making art and seeing my girlfriend. There's no real conclusion to this, just some thoughts I've been having.